Homemade Vegan Corn Dogs, Virtual Happy Hours and Other Things I Thought I’d Never Do.

So much has happened in the 5 weeks since I last wrote. We watched as a virus spread on the other side of the world, yet still expected we’d be able to travel. 27 days ago the state department moved Japan from a 1 to a 2 (“travel with precautions”) and all that changed in a matter of days. 22 days ago we cancelled our Japan trip, worried not so much about catching it but about the experience we’d have if everything was closed.

We begin planning a trip to Argentina instead. With no cases there, we were confident that would be just fine. We solicited recommendations, booked wine tours – even planned to meet a friend in Chile. And when the first case hit South America (20 days ago), we thought “there are way more cases in parts of the U.S.”

Over the next week, things became less certain as the disease spread in Europe and the U.S. I think it was only two weeks ago that I first heard the term “social distancing” – at least in the context of something Americans should be doing. I began to wonder if it was smart to go to Argentina – and if it was irresponsible. What if we didn’t know it, and were sick already? What if we got sick there or carried it to others? But with few cases in our area, I still thought – perhaps the show can go on.

11 days ago, the decision was made for us when Argentina (smartly) closed its borders to hard hit countries – including the U.S. Seeing America on that list made things all the more real. We begin to hear the term “flattening the curve” and as we saw Italy’s medical infrastructure overrun, to understand the potential for dangerous shortages. 10 days ago (“no groups of 50+”), I went into the office for the last time as our office moved to 100% remote. Large events were cancelled far and wide.

I wondered if I should still go to my workout classes – would it be OK, if they were classes with space and without shared equipment? “I’m still comfortable with very small group gatherings in private places” I said. Six days ago (“no groups of 10+), gyms and fitness studios closed – along with restaurants and bars. It became apparently how dire this would be for the United States and that we have a personal responsibility to do all we can to flatten the curve. Social distancing became the societal norm: Nobody outside your immediate household. Stay six feet apart. How quickly we went from groups of < 250 to < 50 to <10 to none. And I expect things will continue to change very quickly in the months ahead as we hit the peak of this crisis.

So that’s how we found ourselves last night hosting our first ever virtual National Corn Dog Day party instead of the raucous 50+ person party we usually host (which, by the way, we’d not planned to have this year since we were going to be in Japan).

I should note: Fairly simultaneous with the timeline above, Courtney and I switched to a fully vegan diet. We’d planned to suspend all vegan activities for Japan and Argentina – but in the absence of travel, we’re full steam ahead since we both really love the diet/lifestyle and frankly, it’s a convenient way to eat when you want to have things on hand that last a long time. So that’s how I found myself trying to make my own vegan corn dogs and sweet potato tots from scratch.

And let me tell you, it was a fucking disaster.

First, I realized we had no corn meal. Around the same time we cancelled our trip to Japan, I cleaned my pantry – and expired corn meal I’d been using despite a couple bugs was one of many things to go. So I irresponsibly ventured to the corner store, figuring – if I wipe everything down with Clorox, it will be OK. They were out of cornmeal, but they had Jiffy ready-made corn muffin mix.

“That will work!” I figured. Until I got home and realized it contained ANIMAL LARD.

So I weighed my options: 1) Go to another store (hard no). 2) Use it anyway (considered this one). 3) Find an alternative.

I remembered the Georgia stone ground grits sitting in my freezer. Google told me that this is an excellent substitute, as long as they’re finely ground. I put them in my food processor, but alas – it was not grinding them finely enough. “The coffee grinder!” I thought, satisfied with my own innovation. After a first round of cleaning, the grits were still brown and tasted like coffee – so I found a youtube video on how to take my coffee grinder apart and clean it. After a thorough cleaning, I passed a small batch of grits through to test it out and still it smelled like coffee. Down to my last resort, I tried the blender… and it worked!

Feeling quite pleased with myself, I got to work making the batter and the tots.

Things were going quite swimmingly. About an hour our from when the party was set to begin, I went to dip the dogs. That’s when I realized that what I’d bought wasn’t soy chorizo brats but soy chorizo in a plastic casing that must be removed. I tried to remove it and cook it in one piece that I could dip, but alas…

45 minutes until our party, and I was scrambling – proving some things can never change, despite a pandemic. Now I had to think on my feet. And I did just that, remembering the homemade Twinkies I made many years ago. So, I went about making corn dog shaped foil boats that I could spray down with cooking oil and poke a skewer through, then pour half the batter – scoop in the chorizo and then pour the other half the batter and bake.

And guys… IT WORKED! I made two very large corn dogs that probably had a day’s worth of calories and carbs. Pretty much perfect for corn dog day.

So, while it felt like everything that could possibly go wrong did… in the end, these were delicious and I enjoyed them with friends. I hope there’s a metaphor in there somewhere.

Stay healthy friends, and happy corn dog day.

Johanna